The Rock (Not Dwayne Johnson)

She dreamed about a rock she'd found from the pile she'd dug from the ground weeks before. When she placed her fingers around it, it lifted her high into the air. As she rose with hands still one with the rock, the greatest sense of peace that she had ever felt encompassed her. All past and future vanished and the only sense of time was the present. There was no awareness of her body, for she was one with all. No anxiety or fears or thoughts took place; just peace and a joy better than any feeling she'd ever felt. When she woke she immediately thought she had to figure out how to get the rock back. She recalled her dream and she realized when she imagined the rock and the dream again she felt the same peace as when she was in the dream. The truth she'd been searching for her whole life finally hit her. She'd been living a lie all along trying to find something external that could fix her internal angst: a pill, a workout, a mate, a job, money, kids, a house, church. She'd reviewed every research article, book, and documentary on joy, peace, anxiety, and depression. She so desperately wanted the anxiety and depression to end. She'd tried yoga, exercise, a gratitude journal, being more social, meditating, earning more money, working less, acts of kindness, making time for hobbies, strict diets, and countless other modifications to her life. She realized the fix wasn't found in any of these because they were outside fixes. Her problem was inside. Therefore the solution had to be inside too. She could imagine herself being at peace and joyful and then she was. The more she imagined it the more she was experiencing it. She started to keep a symbol of the dream in her pocket. It was a rock so smooth and solid, weathered by the same supernatural force that had lifted her up and given her peace in her dream. It was the same divine intervention that had given her the dream in the first place. The rock had been on Earth since the beginning of time and would still be here long after her soul left her body. It reminded her of how infinite time and space was. It reminded her not to take herself so seriously, for even a tiny rock would outlast her fleeting life. When she touched the rock or even thought of touching it, it was like magic. But it wasn't the rock. It was something much bigger than herself and much bigger than the rock. It was a truth as old as time. She was the captain of her sails, the director of her orchestra, the artist of her magnificent mural, the farmer of her garden. Once she realized that, she made an effort to remember it daily. Eventually the knowing of it became second nature. When her life was anything less than what she wanted it to be, she went back to the rock. She’d found peace and joy. She’d found an everlasting love, both for herself and for helping others find the rocks they too had sitting right before them. 

Let Go of Your Dreams

 All our lives we’re told phrases like “dream big,” and “hold onto your dreams.” Then reality hits. Life goes awry. Chasing dreams sometimes turns into living nightmares. Then what? I’m 30 years old and I’ve never had anyone tell me to let go of my dreams -until today when I decided to tell myself. Somehow I have to let go of some of my dreams. They’re not in the cards for me. The pursuit of them brought destruction when I was certain they’d only bring me a fulfilling life. 
Everyone has different dreams and dreams do come true -sometimes. However, it’s just as important for us to remember that it’s ok when they don’t. It’s ok to give up on dreams. Let go of unhealthy relationships, habits, and environments. This could apply to a list of situations. You want a cohesive family, but you need to distance yourself from toxicity. It’s ok to do that. You want to be the best mom, wife, member of your community, employee and/or student you can be, but the expense of what you’re sacrificing is no longer worth it. You need to let go of the pursuit of perfection. You want to move ahead in your career, but you realize a different path is calling your name. You need to follow your calling, even when it changes. 
We are not people meant for a path that always heads in a linear direction. We have to embrace the U-turns, sharp lefts, and yields of our lives instead of resisting them in the name of a dream we’ve always had. We’re ever changing, and it’s ok if our dreams are ever changing too. It’s ok to close a chapter and start a new one. For me this process has been extremely painful. What’s more painful though, is holding onto dreams no longer meant for you. Give yourself permission to let go of your dreams as needed. You’ll breath deeper and your soul will be lighter when you do. 

Darkness Under My Covers

Whether it’s postpartum, seasonal, persistent, or situational -depression is real and can be debilitating. It’s important to know that you’re not alone and help can be found. I wrote this a while back, clearly from a place of struggle. The remedy for depression sometimes can be found in shifting our focus to something bigger, outside of ourselves. Hope is found by continually doing the one next thing that needs to be done, no matter how small. 

When the darkness under my covers fits like a shoe, I let the sun shine on my face because then it’s shining on yours too. 

When the thought of play dates make my chest feel heavy and tight. We join them anyways, much to your delight. 

Just when I think I can’t take another step, you lead me by the hand as we dance with much due pep. 

When all I want to do is cry, I smile. Not in vain, but because your happiness makes me happy amongst my pain. 

When I feel like giving up, I keep going. I do the hard stuff- always knowing, that what I do you see. And I’m who you want to be. 

So shine, dance, and play. Your joy brings joy to my darkest of days. May my laughter bring you laughter and my example be right. Mommas trying, sweet babies, with all of her might. 

Peace and Joy as the Result of a Pandemic

As the time draws closer for life to get “back to normal” I can’t help but to acknowledge a pang of dread subtly present. I say subtle because it’s overshadowed by relief that fewer will be sick, death rates will lessen, cabin fever will fade, and I’ll hug loved ones I’ve missed hugging. Jobs that were essential to sustaining families but deemed “inessential” to our government will be resumed. The world will celebrate. 

Every December I put pen to paper and hash out my goals for the upcoming year. This year a big goal for me was to have more energy and joy Monday through Friday instead of just reserving those delights for the weekends. I imagined that achieving that goal might look something like resuming my gratitude journal (a goal from a few years ago I practiced on and off but that ultimately never became consistent,) exercising more, eating healthier, and being intentional about enjoying the present moment. My mind was made up that I would achieve this goal as the result of my strategic efforts. 

Never would I have guessed that in 2020 I’d find more joy and peace as the result of a pandemic called Covid19. Don’t get me wrong. I work in healthcare, have children at home, and many loved ones over 60, so I’ve experienced my share of anxiety during this crisis too. My income has lessened and I’ve watched my kids throw back their heads in distress over missing meaningful events. My heart has been heavy as I watch society shovel out blame, shame, and suspicion of malicious intent. 

On the other side of that COVID coin I’ve found more joy and energy. I work less hours. I spend more hours with God, with myself, and with my children. I get more rest -both sleeping and awake. I do things less when I have to and more when I want to. My days aren’t filled with dread of attending to evening commitments that I wish I hadn’t committed to. Instead I’m dreading dreading things when life “resumes to normal.” 

Relief is found when I remind myself that I don’t have to resume the parts of my life that were exhausting me. I don’t have to keep joy thieves in my life just because society tells me that’s what adults do. My hope is that as life resumes we find a new normal. I want to ditch energy vampires and allow time without an itinerary. I hope we embrace our health, our loved ones, and our rest with a new appreciation. May we create days that energize us and bring us joy, not just two days a week, but seven. 

Diving Deeper into the Toddler Challenge

Most of us have seen the “Toddler Challenge” by now. Initially my first thought was isn’t everything with a toddler a challenge? If you’re raising a toddler or have raised a toddler can I get an amen? Also, side note of encouragement: just kidding. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better because parenting toddlers is HARD and you’ll probably just roll your eyes if I tell you it gets easier. Whether you’re a caregiver for a toddler or have just bared witness to their tantrums in the general public, there’s one thing we can all agree on: they are nearly a different species. They’re basically tiny packaged contradictions whose offenses against us are constantly pardoned by their never ending cuteness. They’re innocent, but they’re boundary pushers. They understand, but they don’t. They’ll give you the most pure, loving hug then stomp your toes and laugh all in the same minute. They’re the conundrums we all once were. Maybe that’s why we’re so entertained by watching them. They make us laugh, but they also leave us with so many questions. 

Here’s where my nerdy psychology studies brain kicked in on this new trend. (If you’ve not seen the challenge, it’s where sweet treats are set before a child. They’re told not to touch until the adult returns. The camera captures an array of responses from mischievous self indulgence, to pitiful pouts, to triumphant achievers. Spoiler: All the videos I’ve seen have a happy ending of sugar filled adorableness.) But what’s really going on that determines how a child will act during this challenge? Is it good for them? Bad for them? Some people sympathize with the child and say it’s cruel. I think it’s good for them and here’s why.

Our society needs more humans with the ability to delay self gratification. By definition, delayed self gratification is the ability to put off an immediate reward in exchange for waiting for a better reward. Exercising the ability to wait strengthens this skill set. Why is that important? Psychologists have been studying it for decades so feel free to do your own research (Mischel’s marshmallow study is a good place to start.) Common sense can help us understand its importance too. Grit, self control, and self discipline are less fancy synonyms. Why do some kids overcome adversity and some don’t? Grit. What does it take to abstain from drugs or risky sex? Self control. What’s it take to get through trade school or college? Self discipline. 

If your toddlers don’t have these skills just yet, fear not. They’re not supposed to. It’s completely normal for kids five and under to seek immediate pleasure because the frontal lobe in the brain that helps with self control isn’t developed enough yet. (That’s why we’re on edge watching them like hawks when we take them places. Their brains are seeking pleasure with little to no worry about what bad consequences might follow.) The more you practice rewarding self control opportunities for them, the better they’ll get at delayed self gratification typically. We can help their brains develop these automatic patterns needed for things like exercise, nutritional eating, community service, goal setting, and goal achievement. In a world so indulged in immediate gratification (and thus ridden with entitlement and unhealthy lifestyles) I can’t think of many better skills we could teach our next generation.